And the reason i get so scared i guess, is that if it wasn't for poetry (as retarded as this is going to sound), i don't know if i would be able to interact socially, in even such a minor way as taking the metro. When i forget what it is i am really doing as i am prone to do (a defense mechanism for the classic underachiever's fundemental fear of failure: instantaneous denial usually resulting in constant unconcious procrastination), rather than feeling simply numb or empty (spaced as i once could get), i now am unable to remember how to be. As dark and constricting as any possible physical asphyxiation, i forget how to simply stand and breath and exist without distraction. No longer having a why, i feel as if they can all see my useless unhappiness, and i am ashamed. In the past i suppose i could provide reasons for myself in the excuses i made to everyone. In my mind i guess i always had a career planned for the future (lawyer, engineer, pilot, professor, politician), because then i wouldn't have to rely upon my exploration of the expanses of ether sans ego (which is a difficult state to maintain while remaining concious of the fact that you are asking people for more time on your thoughts than they are giving their own) for my existence. i guess i really don't have any options anymore, this fear is only anticipation, loneliness is itself the pain.... and control is a notion i am learning to let go of. i will remember to tell myself 1000 times a day that i don't have to do anything in the same order as my parents, and if i fuck up, if this is where i'm fucked for me, with an inability to recognize my own limitations, then i will need to learn it anyway because i will never be content with anything but the struggle, if i'm not trying everything i have (i'll admit i know it isn't alot) i feel like dying, happiness only within its own pursuit. Ambition being absent from my freak of nature's body, power is the only thing i'm not seeking.